Heard from an old friend a couple of days ago. Hadn't heard from her for about one and a half years and didn't think much of it since she is a bit of a "free spirit".
Was quite happy to hear from her though, because I had missed her. She related the story of her year to me.
As it turns out, her little girl Trinity had contracted bone cancer and was undergoing what would hopefully be lifesaving chemo and other treatment. Last time I saw Trinity, she was around 4 and was a quiet, adorable little red-head full of playfulness and wonder.
It hit me hard to hear that she spends most of her time just being sick and staring at the ceiling. My own cancer experience is a walk-in-the-park compared to what she's going through and I would wager that her young heart and mind contain more courage to battle through this and sustain life than I have. I sure hope so.
Then it dawned on me that despite my years of searching for the answers that we all yearn to find, I've yet to uncover a satisfactory explanation of why there is evil and suffering in the world. Why the hardened hearts of the status quo don't explode with grief over the plight of these kids (and the thousands who die each day from hunger, preventable disease, and neglect) is beyond me.
So why evil, why pain and suffering in one so young and innocent? Plenty of people have an explanation ranging from "The Fall" to numerous other mythical or theological explanations, but I'm sorry...none of them seem to fit the bill of explaining why suffering is an integral and natural part of life.
The Buddha posited that our suffering comes from craving, from clinging to that which is impermanent and can never satisfy. I've seen this theory in action and know that it makes sense, but I wonder how much sense it makes to a child who has not even lived long enough to conceptualize impermanence?
If today was my last day, I would still struggle with those questions to which there seem to be no workable answers. I think of little Trinity and the thousands like her and can only hope that one day we will rise above the "human condition" to a deeper understanding and a more effective way of dealing with disease and handicap.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Idiotic Genius
Hi, all. I'm a chronic underachiever and thought I'd share that with you, just in case you ever feel like an idiot. I'd like you to know that you are not alone.
I was beat over the head as a child by my parents, my principal, my counselors, and my teachers, all about the same old thing. I supposedly had an IQ of 166 (somewhere like six points beyond Einstein) and yet I had the most absurd trouble with algebra and other advanced mathematics. It was a living hell. IQ points notwithstanding, if I were as smart as Einstein I probably would have had at least an inkling as to what to do with my life.
My interests in boyhood were, pardon me, being a soldier, a cowboy, or an astronaut. English grammar, world history, and math all seemed mundane despite my lack of understanding. Now, after having gained decades of "wisdom" I see the error of my ways. Since it appears that the "language" of the "universe" and "nature" is actually based on numbers, I find mathematics incredibly fascinating in a kabbalistic kind of way. What I wouldn't give to be able to frantically scrawl calculations and equations on a whiteboard while looking solemn and important. I'm a physicist who missed his calling.
All things that were boring to me as a child, I now find fascinating. Ancient history, circa bronze age and beyond, is one of my favorites. English and grammar, despite my apparent lack of punctuation knowledge, remain my strong points but even then I can often find it difficult to come up with a one-line blog. So here I am, an idiot trapped in the body of a wunderkind. It's not easy. The surprise people express when I start rattling off trivia or other knowledge not generally accessible to the average joe is quickly offset by my obvious lack of any practical acumen. Balancing checkbooks, keeping up with bills, filing with the IRS, all forward motion or progress in this life, for the most part, seems beyond my ken. I can speak endlessly on Renaissance philosophy and arcane subjects but trip foolishly over my own tongue when trying to address subjects like retirement, 401 K, stocks and all that good stuff that helps to make us well-monied.
So, I'm a moron with the intellectual desire of a University professor. If you see me on the street, pretending to be knowledgeable, take pity on me and maybe offer an idiot's stipend for my show of bravado in trying to convince you that, no, I'm really not as stupid as I sound nor as brilliant as I look.
Or is it the other way around?
I was beat over the head as a child by my parents, my principal, my counselors, and my teachers, all about the same old thing. I supposedly had an IQ of 166 (somewhere like six points beyond Einstein) and yet I had the most absurd trouble with algebra and other advanced mathematics. It was a living hell. IQ points notwithstanding, if I were as smart as Einstein I probably would have had at least an inkling as to what to do with my life.
My interests in boyhood were, pardon me, being a soldier, a cowboy, or an astronaut. English grammar, world history, and math all seemed mundane despite my lack of understanding. Now, after having gained decades of "wisdom" I see the error of my ways. Since it appears that the "language" of the "universe" and "nature" is actually based on numbers, I find mathematics incredibly fascinating in a kabbalistic kind of way. What I wouldn't give to be able to frantically scrawl calculations and equations on a whiteboard while looking solemn and important. I'm a physicist who missed his calling.
All things that were boring to me as a child, I now find fascinating. Ancient history, circa bronze age and beyond, is one of my favorites. English and grammar, despite my apparent lack of punctuation knowledge, remain my strong points but even then I can often find it difficult to come up with a one-line blog. So here I am, an idiot trapped in the body of a wunderkind. It's not easy. The surprise people express when I start rattling off trivia or other knowledge not generally accessible to the average joe is quickly offset by my obvious lack of any practical acumen. Balancing checkbooks, keeping up with bills, filing with the IRS, all forward motion or progress in this life, for the most part, seems beyond my ken. I can speak endlessly on Renaissance philosophy and arcane subjects but trip foolishly over my own tongue when trying to address subjects like retirement, 401 K, stocks and all that good stuff that helps to make us well-monied.
So, I'm a moron with the intellectual desire of a University professor. If you see me on the street, pretending to be knowledgeable, take pity on me and maybe offer an idiot's stipend for my show of bravado in trying to convince you that, no, I'm really not as stupid as I sound nor as brilliant as I look.
Or is it the other way around?
Tiny Travelers, we be.....
Have you ever considered your smallness in the greater scheme of the multi-verse. Zoom out far enough and entire galaxies become tiny blips of light, so imagine how minuscule your little five or six foot frame is in the grand overview.
And if each of us is so very, very tiny, then how very small must be our worldly concerns and anxieties.
Smallness is key here, I think. We can zoom from the infinitely immense to the incredibly (and infinitely?) small.
Living in a small way, being humble, and throwing a noose around the scrawny neck of burgeoning ego is perhaps the most direct way to proceed with the "small" life.
What is so special about me that I stand exercising dominion over all I see? What is it that empowers me to represent the be-all and end-all of Life and Existence. Why, absolutely nothing!
We are whirring through empty space at breakneck speeds, plummeting blindly through a mostly hostile universe and heading straight to our demise, however and in whatever form it may come.
How pathetically laughable must be the arrogant in the eyes of the twin powers of Life and Death.
And if each of us is so very, very tiny, then how very small must be our worldly concerns and anxieties.
Smallness is key here, I think. We can zoom from the infinitely immense to the incredibly (and infinitely?) small.
Living in a small way, being humble, and throwing a noose around the scrawny neck of burgeoning ego is perhaps the most direct way to proceed with the "small" life.
What is so special about me that I stand exercising dominion over all I see? What is it that empowers me to represent the be-all and end-all of Life and Existence. Why, absolutely nothing!
We are whirring through empty space at breakneck speeds, plummeting blindly through a mostly hostile universe and heading straight to our demise, however and in whatever form it may come.
How pathetically laughable must be the arrogant in the eyes of the twin powers of Life and Death.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter, or Blessed Ostara, whatever your belief may be. 'Tis the legendary day that He rose from the dead and hearkened in thousands of years of Solar dying god worship. Be it Jesus, Mithras, or Krishna, they all were crucified and faced the underworld of death before returning with "good" news. True or not, it is a good thing because frankly, what other reason would the average person have not to blow his brains out if not the hope that the future will bring wonderful tidings and great things.
Yeheshuah Ben Joseph, The Christos (The Anointed) can be looked at from a myriad of perspectives. His first name, qabalistically, is composed of the Divine Name YHVH with an inserted Hebrew letter (Shin, meaning "Fire", particularly the fire of Spirit), rendering the name Yeheshua which translates as "Yahweh has Delivered". Heavy stuff when you think about it. And whether His true name is Yeheshua Ben Joseph (Jesus, son of Joseph) or Yeheshuah Bar Miriam (Jesus, bastard son of Mary) I am damn glad the six or so billion people of this planet have a choice between the Anointed One, The Enlightened One, or any host of others to follow and place faith in.
So, unless you are an atheist, or a Buddhist, or a Hindu, today's a big day. Forget the fact that Christ failed in his mission and ultimately cried out in forsaken disbelief to the "Father". He was the King of the Jews but never assumed Kingship. He and his disciples expected the eschaton (or Revelations, to Bible readers) within their lifetime.
His resurrection left a hint, a tiny gasp of possibility that we can survive death. Some think it's poppycock, but I for one believe that there is something afterward no matter how strange, alien, or disorienting it may be.
That hope has served me well as a balm to sooth my aching tormented soul and keep me alive in this incarnation.
Thank God for that....
Yeheshuah Ben Joseph, The Christos (The Anointed) can be looked at from a myriad of perspectives. His first name, qabalistically, is composed of the Divine Name YHVH with an inserted Hebrew letter (Shin, meaning "Fire", particularly the fire of Spirit), rendering the name Yeheshua which translates as "Yahweh has Delivered". Heavy stuff when you think about it. And whether His true name is Yeheshua Ben Joseph (Jesus, son of Joseph) or Yeheshuah Bar Miriam (Jesus, bastard son of Mary) I am damn glad the six or so billion people of this planet have a choice between the Anointed One, The Enlightened One, or any host of others to follow and place faith in.
So, unless you are an atheist, or a Buddhist, or a Hindu, today's a big day. Forget the fact that Christ failed in his mission and ultimately cried out in forsaken disbelief to the "Father". He was the King of the Jews but never assumed Kingship. He and his disciples expected the eschaton (or Revelations, to Bible readers) within their lifetime.
His resurrection left a hint, a tiny gasp of possibility that we can survive death. Some think it's poppycock, but I for one believe that there is something afterward no matter how strange, alien, or disorienting it may be.
That hope has served me well as a balm to sooth my aching tormented soul and keep me alive in this incarnation.
Thank God for that....
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Big Hand Comes Down
Well, it's now springtime in the Midwest. Flowers are budding, birds are returning for their sojourn, and countless kids are sitting glued to the History Channel, terrified and counting the days until the Big Guy in the Sky, in sync with the Mayan calendar, raises his mighty hand against his wayward offspring and with people of all ages contemplating what exactly the Big One is going to consist of. Much self examining going on - "Will I be a hero?" juxtaposed with "Will I cower behind my friends and whimper as the big hammer falls?" We are all curious as to whether we have a "clean slate" or at least clean enough to get an easy go when the trials and tribulations hit.
These are thoughts our young people are having. How unfair to be born into this world to a cacophony of doom and annihilation being broadcast in every media years before the event.
If I were twelve, I would ask - "What about my future?" And I would be monumentally pissed.
I used to blame the carefree and jitter-bugging "greatest generation" for our woes but have come to realize that we all - each and every one of us - has played a part in sullying the earth, banishing the qualities of compassion and empathy, and practicing a material gluttony that detracts from our human-ness. Each of us has collectively agreed to lay our heads upon the chopping block and now that the axeman appears to grow near we become unnerved.
Frankly, it's far too late to assign blame (and the true culprits are far too rich and insulated to accept any culpability anyway) and all we can do is wait. Will the Earth finally shrug and caste us off like sand fleas, with mass death and destruction, or will 2012 come and go as just another mundane day?
Either way, we can only blame ourselves. Perhaps the "Ascension" as they call it is the collective discovery and understanding that there just might be a better way. Perhaps we will experience, in one night, a mental and spiritual evolution that humankind has never experienced before. It's too far off to tell but if the "signs" are any indicator, there are more earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes and gun-wielding madmen than ever before in our history. The earth is clearly wounded and she has been harmed by her very caretakers.
Whatever happens at 11:11 GMT on Dec 21, 2012, rest assured that the galaxy is going to give us a show the likes of which have not been duplicated in tens of thousands of years. The supermarket shelves will be utterly devoid of stock, and the apocalyptic crazy will be gathering in droves across the world to await the end.
And really...if you think about it fairly and objectively...we kinda have it coming, whatever it may be.
These are thoughts our young people are having. How unfair to be born into this world to a cacophony of doom and annihilation being broadcast in every media years before the event.
If I were twelve, I would ask - "What about my future?" And I would be monumentally pissed.
I used to blame the carefree and jitter-bugging "greatest generation" for our woes but have come to realize that we all - each and every one of us - has played a part in sullying the earth, banishing the qualities of compassion and empathy, and practicing a material gluttony that detracts from our human-ness. Each of us has collectively agreed to lay our heads upon the chopping block and now that the axeman appears to grow near we become unnerved.
Frankly, it's far too late to assign blame (and the true culprits are far too rich and insulated to accept any culpability anyway) and all we can do is wait. Will the Earth finally shrug and caste us off like sand fleas, with mass death and destruction, or will 2012 come and go as just another mundane day?
Either way, we can only blame ourselves. Perhaps the "Ascension" as they call it is the collective discovery and understanding that there just might be a better way. Perhaps we will experience, in one night, a mental and spiritual evolution that humankind has never experienced before. It's too far off to tell but if the "signs" are any indicator, there are more earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes and gun-wielding madmen than ever before in our history. The earth is clearly wounded and she has been harmed by her very caretakers.
Whatever happens at 11:11 GMT on Dec 21, 2012, rest assured that the galaxy is going to give us a show the likes of which have not been duplicated in tens of thousands of years. The supermarket shelves will be utterly devoid of stock, and the apocalyptic crazy will be gathering in droves across the world to await the end.
And really...if you think about it fairly and objectively...we kinda have it coming, whatever it may be.
Monday, April 11, 2011
In fact....
(Removed at the Request of Self)
In light of a tremendously negative mood on yesterday's post, my self said to myself "my, that certainly is negative!" Thusly, in an effort to spare the mood of any potential readers (even 1) I have removed the post.
Doesn't change much though. I still think America is being run by a bunch of self-serving monkeys.
BWAHAHAHA!
Found out today that I'm probably going to be fired for failure to increase my sales quotas. If I can get them up over the next week, I'll be ok but so far, it's not looking good.
I guess the problem I have with this is twofold. First, if you want me to take calls and make sales then please assure that I am not a switchboard. Yep, I take every call that comes into the organization whether it's a sale or not. Mostly tech support calls because we can't seem to keep an internet connection running properly.
So here I am. About to be un-employed. With cancer. Knowing that if I apply for jobs and give them an honest application and admit that yes, I have cancer and do miss work from time to time, they are certainly not going to hire me. If I lie and tell them that I have no restrictions as pertains to the job description, I'll get fired later for being a liar. So I'm really kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. Not good enough to do telemarketing for this company and not hire-able for any other.
Why don't they just take me out and put a bullet in my head?
I used to be a patriot but the way I see it now is this: from time immemorial, we have allowed a group of well-coifed fat-cats to make all our decisions for us. Every decision - moral, ethical, economic - is made by them as our "representatives". However, they have let us down as they seem to only represent themselves and their own interests. Greed and lack of foresight has all but destroyed us and still they bicker and fight and accuse each other as our country goes further and further down the drain-hole.
We've paid into Social Security and now they debate the fate of those funds. I've worked all my life and now my future is in doubt because of state unemployment rules (set up for us by well-coifed nicely-suited fat-cats) and my failure to make the greedy taskmaster a bunch of money. I can handle the cancer. I just don't want to deal with it if I'm living in the street.
I've begun to hate this country and the elite who run our daily lives at their whim. The founding fathers are spinning in their graves. America has been sold out and so has its citizens.
Only the VA has supported me and they are only there for medical purposes. Paying my rent is not on the VA agenda.
The chickens are gonna come home to roost one day or another and then "they" will get exactly what's coming to them. Sadly, the rest of us might already be gone by then if we keep letting Big Brother write all the rules.
I guess the problem I have with this is twofold. First, if you want me to take calls and make sales then please assure that I am not a switchboard. Yep, I take every call that comes into the organization whether it's a sale or not. Mostly tech support calls because we can't seem to keep an internet connection running properly.
So here I am. About to be un-employed. With cancer. Knowing that if I apply for jobs and give them an honest application and admit that yes, I have cancer and do miss work from time to time, they are certainly not going to hire me. If I lie and tell them that I have no restrictions as pertains to the job description, I'll get fired later for being a liar. So I'm really kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. Not good enough to do telemarketing for this company and not hire-able for any other.
Why don't they just take me out and put a bullet in my head?
I used to be a patriot but the way I see it now is this: from time immemorial, we have allowed a group of well-coifed fat-cats to make all our decisions for us. Every decision - moral, ethical, economic - is made by them as our "representatives". However, they have let us down as they seem to only represent themselves and their own interests. Greed and lack of foresight has all but destroyed us and still they bicker and fight and accuse each other as our country goes further and further down the drain-hole.
We've paid into Social Security and now they debate the fate of those funds. I've worked all my life and now my future is in doubt because of state unemployment rules (set up for us by well-coifed nicely-suited fat-cats) and my failure to make the greedy taskmaster a bunch of money. I can handle the cancer. I just don't want to deal with it if I'm living in the street.
I've begun to hate this country and the elite who run our daily lives at their whim. The founding fathers are spinning in their graves. America has been sold out and so has its citizens.
Only the VA has supported me and they are only there for medical purposes. Paying my rent is not on the VA agenda.
The chickens are gonna come home to roost one day or another and then "they" will get exactly what's coming to them. Sadly, the rest of us might already be gone by then if we keep letting Big Brother write all the rules.
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