No Offense Meant to Your Innate Sensibilities

Take a former high-speed military guy, add a flagrantly narrow view of music and the arts, ignite the passion and conviction that so often come only in later years, mix in 30 years of psycho-spiritual experimentation, a healthy belief that the Ashkenazi and Sephardics really ARE the REAL Jews, add a dollop of cancer and poverty and VOILA! I have come.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Life As I Know It.

I owe the IRS 6K. Nothing's been over ten years since I made my mistakes and they managed to file a federal tax lien against me but that's as far as it's gone. Guess I'd be willing to do a reasonable amount of jail time if it meant I could get that monkey off my back but I don't think jail is an option. Will I pay it? I don't know. We give away so many billions of dollars to those who openly want us dead that I feel a little indignant having the government after me for $6000.

I've been single (for the most part) for 12 years. I'm growing older now and the beautiful creatures you see on TV, with white hair, in good shape and truly pretty don't actually exist in real life. I've idealized love and have come to terms that I will never find her, therefore I shall remain alone for the remainder of my days. Companionship is awesome, but imagine how a woman would feel if I was like "well, I love your company, I just don't find you appealing to lay down next to." Ouch.

I've been told I have bi-polar disorder (whatever the hell that is.....I have bad moods and good moods like everyone else), anxiety disorder (yeah, I can be a pretty nervous cat), PTSD from the Big One in Northridge in 1995, depression (who doesn't have depression? Life sucks once you scrape away the niceties). Taking an ape-load of medicine but still often sleep til 4 in the afternoon. And the most amazing thing about it is that I appear to be a normal guy, actually a nice guy.

I've been fascinated by the spiritual questions, the perennial questions. Not much else matters to me besides the twenty-five years of questioning the whys, wherefores and hows of existence. I believe, after much studying, that we are part of something so big, so alien and so unlike anything we can imagine that it defies the human language. God? Hardly. What I envision cannot be called "God" because It would not agree with that moniker. Really, it's a personal thing and doesn't warrant much discussion.

Terrorism, war, poverty, disease, and the deep existential unhappiness I encounter in people I meet all are things that bother me. If our mission is to evolve or die, I fear for the worst.

So, I am middle-aged, approaching "old". Have nothing of any monetary value. Have debt from which I cannot escape. I love intensely, but from a distance. I'm in incredibly good shape from my former military days or I'd probably be dead or crippled by now. I believe in god but not in the big Father in the Sky who watches us and is pleased or displeased as if by whim. I do not expect to encounter happiness (in the regular person's definition) for the rest of my days and have a feeling that the future holds some level of dread for each and every one of us.

What an approach to life! Godspeed to you, dear reader - be blessed, and let courage, truth, and love be your allies for all your days.

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