Hope For Trinity

Heard from an old friend a couple of days ago. Hadn't heard from her for about one and a half years and didn't think much of it since she is a bit of a "free spirit".

Was quite happy to hear from her though, because I had missed her. She related the story of her year to me.
As it turns out, her little girl Trinity had contracted bone cancer and was undergoing what would hopefully be lifesaving chemo and other treatment. Last time I saw Trinity, she was around 4 and was a quiet, adorable little red-head full of playfulness and wonder.

It hit me hard to hear that she spends most of her time just being sick and staring at the ceiling. My own cancer experience is a walk-in-the-park compared to what she's going through and I would wager that her young heart and mind contain more courage to battle through this and sustain life than I have. I sure hope so.

Then it dawned on me that despite my years of searching for the answers that we all yearn to find, I've yet to uncover a satisfactory explanation of why there is evil and suffering in the world. Why the hardened hearts of the status quo don't explode with grief over the plight of these kids (and the thousands who die each day from hunger, preventable disease, and neglect) is beyond me.

So why evil, why pain and suffering in one so young and innocent? Plenty of people have an explanation ranging from "The Fall" to numerous other mythical or theological explanations, but I'm sorry...none of them seem to fit the bill of explaining why suffering is an integral and natural part of life.

The Buddha posited that our suffering comes from craving, from clinging to that which is impermanent and can never satisfy. I've seen this theory in action and know that it makes sense, but I wonder how much sense it makes to a child who has not even lived long enough to conceptualize impermanence?

If today was my last day, I would still struggle with those questions to which there seem to be no workable answers. I think of little Trinity and the thousands like her and can only hope that one day we will rise above the "human condition" to a deeper understanding and a more effective way of dealing with disease and handicap.

Idiotic Genius

Hi, all. I'm a chronic underachiever and thought I'd share that with you, just in case you ever feel like an idiot. I'd like you to know that you are not alone.

I was beat over the head as a child by my parents, my principal, my counselors, and my teachers, all about the same old thing. I supposedly had an IQ of 166 (somewhere like six points beyond Einstein) and yet I had the most absurd trouble with algebra and other advanced mathematics. It was a living hell. IQ points notwithstanding, if I were as smart as Einstein I probably would have had at least an inkling as to what to do with my life.

My interests in boyhood were, pardon me, being a soldier, a cowboy, or an astronaut. English grammar, world history, and math all seemed mundane despite my lack of understanding. Now, after having gained decades of "wisdom" I see the error of my ways. Since it appears that the "language" of the "universe" and "nature" is actually based on numbers, I find mathematics incredibly fascinating in a kabbalistic kind of way. What I wouldn't give to be able to frantically scrawl calculations and equations on a whiteboard while looking solemn and important. I'm a physicist who missed his calling.

All things that were boring to me as a child, I now find fascinating. Ancient history, circa bronze age and beyond, is one of my favorites. English and grammar, despite my apparent lack of punctuation knowledge, remain my strong points but even then I can often find it difficult to come up with a one-line blog. So here I am, an idiot trapped in the body of a wunderkind. It's not easy. The surprise people express when I start rattling off trivia or other knowledge not generally accessible to the average joe is quickly offset by my obvious lack of any practical acumen. Balancing checkbooks, keeping up with bills, filing with the IRS, all forward motion or progress in this life, for the most part, seems beyond my ken. I can speak endlessly on Renaissance philosophy and arcane subjects but trip foolishly over my own tongue when trying to address subjects like retirement, 401 K, stocks and all that good stuff that helps to make us well-monied.

So, I'm a moron with the intellectual desire of a University professor. If you see me on the street, pretending to be knowledgeable, take pity on me and maybe offer an idiot's stipend for my show of bravado in trying to convince you that, no, I'm really not as stupid as I sound nor as brilliant as I look.

Or is it the other way around?

Tiny Travelers, we be.....

Have you ever considered your smallness in the greater scheme of the multi-verse. Zoom out far enough and entire galaxies become tiny blips of light, so imagine how minuscule your little five or six foot frame is in the grand overview.

And if each of us is so very, very tiny, then how very small must be our worldly concerns and anxieties.

Smallness is key here, I think. We can zoom from the infinitely immense to the incredibly (and infinitely?) small.
Living in a small way, being humble, and throwing a noose around the scrawny neck of burgeoning ego is perhaps the most direct way to proceed with the "small" life.

What is so special about me that I stand exercising dominion over all I see? What is it that empowers me to represent the be-all and end-all of Life and Existence. Why, absolutely nothing!

We are whirring through empty space at breakneck speeds, plummeting blindly through a mostly hostile universe and heading straight to our demise, however and in whatever form it may come.

How pathetically laughable must be the arrogant in the eyes of the twin powers of Life and Death.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter, or Blessed Ostara, whatever your belief may be. 'Tis the legendary day that He rose from the dead and hearkened in thousands of years of Solar dying god worship. Be it Jesus, Mithras, or Krishna, they all were crucified and faced the underworld of death before returning with "good" news. True or not, it is a good thing because frankly, what other reason would the average person have not to blow his brains out if not the hope that the future will bring wonderful tidings and great things.

Yeheshuah Ben Joseph, The Christos (The Anointed) can be looked at from a myriad of perspectives. His first name, qabalistically, is composed of the Divine Name YHVH with an inserted Hebrew letter (Shin, meaning "Fire", particularly the fire of Spirit), rendering the name Yeheshua which translates as "Yahweh has Delivered". Heavy stuff when you think about it. And whether His true name is Yeheshua Ben Joseph (Jesus, son of Joseph) or Yeheshuah Bar Miriam (Jesus, bastard son of Mary) I am damn glad the six or so billion people of this planet have a choice between the Anointed One, The Enlightened One, or any host of others to follow and place faith in.

So, unless you are an atheist, or a Buddhist, or a Hindu, today's a big day. Forget the fact that Christ failed in his mission and ultimately cried out in forsaken disbelief to the "Father". He was the King of the Jews but never assumed Kingship. He and his disciples expected the eschaton (or Revelations, to Bible readers) within their lifetime.

His resurrection left a hint, a tiny gasp of possibility that we can survive death. Some think it's poppycock, but I for one believe that there is something afterward no matter how strange, alien, or disorienting it may be.
That hope has served me well as a balm to sooth my aching tormented soul and keep me alive in this incarnation.

Thank God for that....

The Big Hand Comes Down

Well, it's now springtime in the Midwest. Flowers are budding, birds are returning for their sojourn, and countless kids are sitting glued to the History Channel, terrified and counting the days until the Big Guy in the Sky, in sync with the Mayan calendar, raises his mighty hand against his wayward offspring and with people of all ages contemplating what exactly the Big One is going to consist of. Much self examining going on - "Will I be a hero?" juxtaposed with "Will I cower behind my friends and whimper as the big hammer falls?" We are all curious as to whether we have a "clean slate" or at least clean enough to get an easy go when the trials and tribulations hit.

These are thoughts our young people are having. How unfair to be born into this world to a cacophony of doom and annihilation being broadcast in every media years before the event.

If I were twelve, I would ask - "What about my future?" And I would be monumentally pissed.

I used to blame the carefree and jitter-bugging "greatest generation" for our woes but have come to realize that we all - each and every one of us - has played a part in sullying the earth, banishing the qualities of compassion and empathy, and practicing a material gluttony that detracts from our human-ness. Each of us has collectively agreed to lay our heads upon the chopping block and now that the axeman appears to grow near we become unnerved.

Frankly, it's far too late to assign blame (and the true culprits are far too rich and insulated to accept any culpability anyway) and all we can do is wait. Will the Earth finally shrug and caste us off like sand fleas, with mass death and destruction, or will 2012 come and go as just another mundane day?

Either way, we can only blame ourselves. Perhaps the "Ascension" as they call it is the collective discovery and understanding that there just might be a better way. Perhaps we will experience, in one night, a mental and spiritual evolution that humankind has never experienced before. It's too far off to tell but if the "signs" are any indicator, there are more earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes and gun-wielding madmen than ever before in our history. The earth is clearly wounded and she has been harmed by her very caretakers.

Whatever happens at 11:11 GMT on Dec 21, 2012, rest assured that the galaxy is going to give us a show the likes of which have not been duplicated in tens of thousands of years. The supermarket shelves will be utterly devoid of stock, and the apocalyptic crazy will be gathering in droves across the world to await the end.

And really...if you think about it fairly and objectively...we kinda have it coming, whatever it may be.

In fact....

(Removed at the Request of Self)

In light of a tremendously negative mood on yesterday's post, my self said to myself  "my, that certainly is negative!" Thusly, in an effort to spare the mood of any potential readers (even 1) I have removed the post.

Doesn't change much though. I still think America is being run by a bunch of self-serving monkeys.

BWAHAHAHA!

Found out today that I'm probably going to be fired for failure to increase my sales quotas. If I can get them up over the next week, I'll be ok but so far, it's not looking good.

I guess the problem I have with this is twofold. First, if you want me to take calls and make sales then please assure that I am not a switchboard. Yep, I take every call that comes into the organization whether it's a sale or not. Mostly tech support calls because we can't seem to keep an internet connection running properly.

So here I am. About to be un-employed. With cancer. Knowing that if I apply for jobs and give them an honest application and admit that yes, I have cancer and do miss work from time to time, they are certainly not going to hire me. If I lie and tell them that I have no restrictions as pertains to the job description, I'll get fired later for being a liar. So I'm really kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. Not good enough to do telemarketing for this company and not hire-able for any other.

Why don't they just take me out and put a bullet in my head?

I used to be a patriot but the way I see it now is this: from time immemorial, we have allowed a group of well-coifed fat-cats to make all our decisions for us. Every decision - moral, ethical, economic - is made by them as our "representatives". However, they have let us down as they seem to only represent themselves and their own interests. Greed and lack of foresight has all but destroyed us and still they bicker and fight and accuse each other as our country goes further and further down the drain-hole.

We've paid into Social Security and now they debate the fate of those funds. I've worked all my life and now my future is in doubt because of state unemployment rules (set up for us by well-coifed nicely-suited fat-cats) and my failure to make the greedy taskmaster a bunch of money. I can handle the cancer. I just don't want to deal with it if I'm living in the street.

I've begun to hate this country and the elite who run our daily lives at their whim. The founding fathers are spinning in their graves. America has been sold out and so has its citizens.

Only the VA has supported me and they are only there for medical purposes. Paying my rent is not on the VA agenda.

The chickens are gonna come home to roost one day or another and then "they" will get exactly what's coming to them. Sadly, the rest of us might already be gone by then if we keep letting Big Brother write all the rules.

The Sick, The Lame, & The Lazy

Aw, I know life is hard and that sometimes it's easier to stay in bed than get up and face the bogeyman of our existence. Life is fraught with peril. Sometimes we have to do things we dearly do not want to do. People, in their obvious lack of wisdom, hold us up to a standard that we often find hard to achieve. So, what's the answer to this dilemma?

Disability! Yes, disability is a wonderful program in which anyone with a lazybone can enroll in which guarantees that not only do they not have to get out of bed or get off the couch all day long....they actually get paid for it.

One terribly debilitating malady I hear quite a lot about these days is the dreaded anxiety. Anxiety - becoming anxious or nervous about a situation or circumstance. I would hazard a guess that we all have a little anxiety hanging around our necks like a psychological albatross. Perhaps we should all file for disability.

I know one young person who is receiving payments because she has anxiety and a "fear of crowds". These crowds are apparently crowds in which people are doing work, because if Brett Michaels shows up for a concert, she's right there in the middle of the crowd. When the check comes, she's able to brave the crowd at Wal-Mart with no problem. Seems it's just any crowd involved in work that gets her anxiety levels up.

Can I say...give me a break?

Get your lazy, tired, weak behind up off the couch, turn off the DVD player, put up the hash pipe and do something for a change. Your anxiety is no worse than the anxiety of, say, the average lab rat or the average man or woman on the street. What else matters to you aside from how much food you have in your belly? Does anything matter?

You just don't want to lift a finger for anything, ever. It's sad and pathetic. Good luck once the little ones fly the coop and you're left on your own. Who are you going to turn to then? The world's not getting any easier. Do you watch the news? Better buckle up and start fending for yourself.

Perhaps consider your destiny if you continue along the same path of hand-outs, hiding on the couch, and failing to interact with society, failing to provide for the future. Likely it will be a lonely, destitute, miserable death. So let's go. It's not that hard. Get a job. Any job.

There Be Monsters...

There be monsters among us, beside us, all around us. Not just any monsters, but particularly nasty and vicious monsters that can adapt their modus operandi to foil all but the most crafty monster-hunters.

Look to your right or your left. Chances are, if you're in public, that you might catch a glimpse of one of these beasts, snarling and snapping at all who come within reach. Careful! You might lose a limb or even worse, your life!

People just find it so hard to be nice anymore. If it is true that humanity is basically good, that goodness is covered under a thick layer of selfish and irritable sludge. So many people lack the basic virtues of compassion, patience, trust, and friendliness that in many places, it is nearly impossible to establish human contact.

Of course, there's stress and anxiety in everybodys' lives and that's just the human condition. How much easier though to squeeze out a smile or a greeting than to snarl and act superior when everyone actually knows better.

There's a concept that life, the universe, or whatever you choose to call it, is like a mirror. Look at life and curse and life will curse back at you. Look at life and laugh and life will laugh with you. Look and life and smile and life will smile back.

Try it!

Music to Sooth the Savage Beast

Ah, music. It takes my soul to wing in a breathless rearranging of my aural reality and changes everything.

But I've a very narrow view of what's good. I'm like a one-act play when it comes to my tunage.

Currently (like now and going back a good two years) I listen to Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath featuring Tony Martin or Ronnie James Dio. Other stuff I listen to is Iron Maiden, some Tony Martin-era Black Sabbath and sometimes the Sab with Ronnie James Dio aboard. Then of course there's Maiden and occasional Black Sabbath.

I don't listen to this stuff because it's gloomy and doomy. I find Iron Maiden to represent the technological and virtuoistic pinnacle of modern guitar music. Deep and historic stories being told over the ambient throbbing and rumbling that is both foreboding and triumphant. And anyone who denies the supremacy of Bruce Dickinson's voice as it pierces the heavens quite actually knows very little about music, sorry to say.
When you can go into their inventory and find songs on all subjects from prehistoric man to an astronaut lost in the void to a fallen WWII soldier, you're not dealing with pimply-faced angsty teens anymore but magicians of the plucked string and story set to music.

I submit their excellent piece-de-resistance album "The Final Frontier" for serious consideration when the Grammys come around.

And Sabbath? Well, my first actual music ever. It was the summer betwixt 8th grade and freshman year and I received a copy of "Paranoid" to listen to on my little Hitachi cassette deck. My first rock and it was crunchy indeed.

Now that I'm older though, I can do without Ozzy's caterwauling. I think Sabbath should be Sabbath and Ozzy should be Ozzy and other than four or five damn good albums, it was a thing that needed to die. Try listening to "The Headless Cross" album or "The Devil You Know" if you don't agree.

What else do I listen to? Pachelbel's Canon, lots of world music, Sarah MacLachlan, Nightwish....and NO radio.

I've grown stuffy in my old age.

A Mission Gone Awry

So Nato, in all their martial excellence, managed to bomb some rebels in Libya presumably quite by accident or perhaps in a case of mistaken identity, since the rebels are using acquired Libyan army vehicles. Anyway, the rebels are now angry and have been recorded yelling "Down with Nato. We don't want Nato anymore!"

Is there a clearer case of biting the hand that feeds?

Sadly, I think it was a mistake of majestic grandeur and import for the US to turn over the no-fly zone to Nato.

If  you want something done right do it yourself or so says the wisdom. This seems to be the case since after the US launched the very first strike it decimated approximately 30% of the Libyan military.

I'm passionately anti-war but if you must...why not just do it right and be done with it?

And even stranger aeons..

So, we see that according to the masters of the last several millennium - Christ, Buddha, Nagarjuna, Milarepa, Abraham the Jew, The Ari, The Baal Shem Tov and so many, many others - we are only several steps removed from the Most High and can retrace our steps back to the presence of Divinity. However, some of us who see ALL as an aspect of Divinity ("turn over a rock and I will be there, roll away a log and there you will find me") there is no separation. That rock is God. You are God, I am God. This is not to insinuate that there is not something greater, nor to insinuate that we (as "God") are the end-all and be-all of Creation and the sustaining force that keeps it in motion, not to say that there is no absolute or ineffable. Only that we are Its children and so too are we divine by birthright.

Once, as theory has it, we discover the spark of divinity within, the HGA, we no longer need worry about getting lost in the world, doing the wrong thing, giving into base desires, or living in chaos and confusion. The HGA is our guide and our companion, eager to teach, accompany, and protect.

However, adversely, this connection can render us ineffectual in the world. There are those who get so caught up in the pursuit, in the journey, that they have a difficult time holding a job, functioning within society's confines and are often labeled as "nuts" or "lunatic". Life and existence become incredibly expansive and the things we used to ground ourselves and define our precarious position in the world of matter become very much irrelevant. Almost like a drug, enlightenment and wisdom become the only goal considered worthwhile and the only thing towards which energy and effort is projected.

This would render a person somewhat incapable of some of the more worldly pursuits. Like work. Like mundane conversation. This is where the seeker's path leads to undesired results and hence the many dire warnings found in almost all books on the subject. The Sufi's "Drunk on God" and the Kabbalist's "Divine Madness" fall into this category and should be guarded against.

Why am I writing this? I don't know.

Stange Aeons

If you're like many, you've dabbled in various new-age versions of so-called "magick" from both ancient and modern sources. Alternative spiritualities are all the rage in this new millennium and cover the gamut from witchcraft to NLP, from Medieval grimoires to Positive Thinking.

Neo-pagans notwithstanding, it has been my experience that there are a great many different ways to the same destination, some more perilous than others and all worthy of at least a look.

The idea of all of these systems is built around the concept of a middle spiritual agency between Gods and men and women. Know variously as the agathosdaimon, the Higher Self, and the Holy Guardian Angel, this being serves as a middle man between us and the Absolute and once the acquaintance is made it renews us and guides us gently but firmly down the path of knowing our own True Will, our purpose in this life.

While many have attained, few have achieved and I am one of these. While my journey has not entailed the  "Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel", it has left me - in many ways - wise.

As Crowley stated, "the purpose of the operation is to raise up the complete man in a vertical line. All other operations tend to black magick." What he meant is that every young dabbler who tries to enchant another, or get revenge, or magickally cram for finals, or make themselves beautiful through the art of Glamoury, it is all out of balance with the will of the All, and therefore is black magick.

to be continued......

Makes me mad...no, sad...no, mad....no, sad....

A year ago, I received a diagnosis of aggressive bladder cancer. Since then and three surgeries later, I think I'm probably going to live. However, I'm a bit livid that people I've know for over 40 years don't seem to have a lot to do with me anymore. It could be that they don't know what to say or they feel uncomfortable. It could be that they've bought into the idea that cancer is contagious. I really don't know. I only know that after all these years, real-life friends seem few and far between.

Then I think more about it. These friends and I, despite knowing each other for decades, have very little in common. They love sports. I was a wimpy kid and didn't participate in scholastic sports. As I got older and became less wimpy, I got into sports like MMA and downhill racing (via skiis) and never had the time of day for football, basketball or baseball. That makes me sort of an odd man out. They don't know or like my sports and I don't know or like theirs.

They are adept at fixing engines of any type. Car engines, lawn mower motors, bike motors. I am not.

The empty space between my view of life and theirs is an insurmountable abyss. But I still liked the company and the interaction. It kind of hurts my feeling that they aren't there for me. However, on hindsight, perhaps I don't have enough time to spend on counter-productive friendships and need to seek out kindred souls and kindred spirits.

Anyway, it makes me sad and a little mad.

Life as I know it

What's it really all about, anyway? We do not ask to be born, to be labeled with a number or to spend our lives in subservient obeisance to the powers-that-be, yet we are daily told what a gift life is, how lucky we are to exist and have consciousness.

I love the phrase "well, at least in America we're free." Not a one of us has been free since we squirted out onto the birthing table. Even the freedom of childhood, with all its innocence and wonder, is slowly indoctrinated out of us by the time we reach school age. By the age of five or six, the magic is gone.

Freedom is just that...the freedom to do as you choose, when you choose in the manner that you choose. By being born into a society in which the only measure of success is the 40 (or more) hour per week we are born into a form of slavery, no matter how nicely we re-arrange the circumstances. By living in a society in which the "good" things of life come at a premium cost, we deny those things to the majority who do not have the ways and means for things such as health insurance, fancy cell-phones, vacations, and nice clothing and cars. I at least had a period of my life where I could afford what I wanted and my heart bleeds for people who will never know the feeling of being absolutely secure or able to live as they would like to.

Western society has based everything on the almighty dollar, the omnipotent euro, and we have estranged our fellow people, divided the masses into those who are "worthy" and those who are not, decided who lives and who dies based on income and affluence. I read about a cancer patient who is being treated at City of Hope Cancer Treatment Centers and I hear about many alternative therapies and drugs that are not available to me by going through the Veteran's Administration. I am so thankful that they were there for me, but tell me this...is my life not every bit as precious as another, or is my life somehow worth less because I do not hold an exalted position in the community or in the financial world?

This obsession with money and power, combined with the iron fist of a morality based on the two-thousand year old ramblings of a bunch of desert primitives is a life-destroying combination. None of us knows if there is anything after, so all we really know for sure is that we have this one life. What right does any group of people have to dictate the parameters of this one life? So you decided we should live in a democracy because by your reckoning, democracy is the "right" way, but maybe I don't agree. You've decided marijuana should be illegal based on your misguided understanding brought about by anti-drug propaganda from the 20's and 30's. Did you know cocaine is illegal because the fat-cats in the suits were afraid of the ramifications of the "drug-crazed negro?" How ridiculous is that one?!

Bottom line is this...they decide for us and we comply or face the music. Like Bush, they are the "deciders" and our only task lies in acceptance and compliance with their view of the world and their concept of society.

We are slaves and they are our masters.

Get Real.

Get real. No, really.

Forty years on the job in one form or another.

Three years as a high-speed Army commando type.
Four years as a private investigator doing undercover, surveillance, and interviewing.
Six years in upper management in the production industry of Southern California.
Six years of customer service and tech support for Worldnet, Netchannel, Earthlink, Comcast, and Nextel.

and somewhere around another 20 years doing graphic arts, database management, writing, product acquisition and a variety of other things.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to disrespect you. After all, you ARE my supervisor. However, since this is your first job and given the vast experience you've not accrued in your 19 years of life on Earth, please understand that when you speak, I don't always listen. I don't need you to tell me how to speak to people or how to conduct myself in a corporate environment. You came along a few years to late to be able to do that.

Oh, to Hell with you....

Here I am again, getting warned about my impending termination unless I "get with the program" and start selling a bunch of garbage to an unsuspecting public. Yes, telephone service, DSL internet and Direct TV, three items I should be more than happy to shove down everybody's throat and if my moral character kicks in, if I hesitate to take money out of the pockets of those who can scarcely afford food and put it in the pockets of the corporate hoi-polloi, I stand the chance of being fired. Let us not concentrate on the fact that I deliver world-class customer service and exceptional trouble-shooting, but let us only consider that if my "revenue per call" is only $37, I am only making the company $37 for each and every of the 30 or 40 calls I take each day. If one wishes to see corruption and the very worst of human nature, one only need look at the telecommunications industry and observe how they treat their "valued" customers.

We work on an internal system that is so slow it can take 3 minutes to get from one webpage to another, that crashes on a regular basis, and that cripples us in every interaction. The call center is louder than a packed bar on Friday night and often we cannot even hear what the people on the other end of the line are saying. At least 95% of our calls are based on issues such as billing complaints, service outages, and unfulfilled promises. And our company promises 99.9% network reliability but I can tell you for a fact that this number is nonsense. We get a huge amount of calls for non-working internet and phone lines.

The company pays us between $7 an hour and $8.25 an hour, so lets do the math. In an eight hour shift, if I take 30 calls that is one call every 16 minutes. I get about $2 for each call and the company gets $37 for that call. Quite a profit considering most the time I'm just answering questions.

Sorry guys. I was trained at Tele-Tech in Los Angeles, one of the premier international customer service call-centers in the world. If they tell me that customer relations and support are more important than sales, I have to agree with them.

I just got a call from a guy who received an unexpected $400 bill. I was unable to help him and any department that IS able to help is presently closed. Should I have been able to sell him something? I don't know. He got screwed the first time around, so why would he make a purchase while holding a bill that he claims is in error?!

This place just flies in the face of everything I believe in. So fire me. Do me a favor.